Been there? The end of a marriage, a tense relationship with a landlord, a dog that has taken over, bad memories - all can lead to that dead in the gut feeling that this place has stopped being 'home'. It has become just your address.Home is about sanctuary and replenishment. If your current place isn't doing that, not only is life to short to stay there but the place is probably shortening your life - misery and stress being the prime suspects for poor life-span outcomes.
Of course, this could be an outcome that is not really about the physical space and the dog who needs to learn who is boss, than it is about whoever is sharing the space with you. This is a different problem and what will not help, is taking this person with you to a new address without changes being made and serious words having been spoken. This strategy of 'global re-positioning couples therapy' has a really, really poor success rate.
Subjects such as personal space, keeping power tools out of the living room when not in use, the place for dirty laundry, the appropriate use of fuscia and animal skin accessories, and the keeping (or not) of reptiles can lead to greater peace if negotiated by committed adults. These adults need to be attuned to helping all parties to feel at home and to not just relentlessly pursuing self interest. It can be a tall order but may save the move to separation and splitting of assets.
I give you full support to compromise on style but not on the principle that 'home' is about filling-up the spirit and heart of people who live there. Talk about that at your next family or room-mate AGM - or over dinner if that works best.
I leave you with this section of The Prophet by Kahil Gibran
" And tell me, people of OrphaIese, what have you in these houses? And what is it you guard with fastened doors? Have you peace, the quiet urge that reveals your power? Have you remembrances, the glimmering arches that span the summits of the mind? Have you beauty, that leads the heart from things fashioned of wood and stone to the holy mountain? Tell me, have you these in your houses? Or have you only comfort, and the lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, and then becomes a host and then a master?"
Goethe said, "He is the happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home.” That peace is worth the effort it takes to create, and it is worth protecting. Although I realize that Kahil Gibran is referring to attitudes of those who inhabit a home, sometimes the threats to peace are actual guests. When anyone comes into my home and threatens the peace in any way, I reserve the right to remove him or her by any means. It is hard to be so ruthless with such guests, but then again, how dare such guests intrude and threaten my sanctuary? According to Buddhist tradition, we should welcome all guests, but according to Pema Chodron, "There is compassion and there is idiot compassion; there is patience and there is idiot patience; there is generosity and there is idiot generosity...[we] need to speak and act with clarity and decisiveness...Then the action and the speech are in accord with what needs to be done, for you and for the other person."
ReplyDeleteAbsoluely agree! Doesn't Pema talk about the stupidity of sitting on the pavement wondering how you let people take over your house and drive you out?
ReplyDeleteYou are in good company insisting on the right to remove threats to peace - for example, Maya Angelou immediately tells people to leave her home and take all their stuff with them if they utter a rascist comment.